Caring for My Mother Part 3: Three Generations of Women Under One Roof
When my mother was widowed, shortly after I was married in the early 60s, she spent several years living with each of my siblings and their families.
At age 80, the same age than I am now, she came to live with me and my then-teenage daughter, and my home became the hub of our family. At that time, mom was in relatively good health and remained so for over eight years. We enjoyed many wonderful times together in her early years with us.
One fond memory stands out... Our entire family, including my brother from Georgia and his wife and children, spent a fun-filled day at our house where we all sang songs, danced around and had fun with mom playing bumper pool. My mother had a great sense of humor and the house was filled with laughter and music. It was the last time we were all together in one place. Fortunately, we recorded the event on video—a video that captured this lasting memory of a time when we were all together, enjoying each other, under the same roof. Even now, many years later, my daughter and her family and I replay that video (now a DVD) just to remember those special times spent all together.
Now that my mother and all my siblings have passed, there is a great deal of nostalgia attached to this wonderful keepsake. It’s also a beautiful way that we can introduce my grandchildren to their family who are gone, but who will always be a part of our lives.
Fast forward eight years to when serious bathroom issues started surfacing with my mom. There was a noticeable physical decline and her energy began to fail. She had trouble getting in and out of bed and moving around the house and eventually ended up spending most of her time in her bedroom. Mentally, though, she was sharp, witty, and she enjoyed interacting with our family and friends.
It was around that time that it became obvious that we needed some help, because mom needed more hands-on care with hygiene issues. And we were fortunate to receive help from our local Visiting Nurse Association.
We had their nursing services for the next two years. These dedicated professionals visited our house to help ensure that my mother was comfortable, as well as to help with bathing and tricky things like personal hygiene. They saw her through several physical crises, like falls and debilitating bathroom crises. We saw that she was failing and that she was exhausted and extremely weak.
Despite her accelerating physical problems, the bottom line was that we were determined to keep her at home, in her own bed. We wanted her to have quality time with her family, and despite the fact that we knew she was declining, my daughter and I felt blessed to be able to do this and keep her at home with us.
As things worsened and we knew that they weren’t going to get better, we began our vigil...an opportunity to say goodbye to a special mother and grandmother in the privacy of her own surroundings, with dignity and the love she deserved. And we were fortunate that our visiting nurse was sympathetic to our choice to keep mom at home and comfortable.
Our vigil lasted for four days. Up to that point, we were able to interact with her and she loved reminiscing about her childhood and talked about her youth and her life with my dad and the rest of the family.
Three days before she passed, mom rallied. Her transformation was amazing. A new rabbi came to our community and mom was going to meet him. At that time, my daughter became engaged and she and her fiancé went to meet the rabbi so that he could officiate at their wedding. They both told the rabbi about mom’s condition and said she was failing rapidly. By this time, mom was very weak and even sitting upright was not easy for her.
The rabbi wanted to visit and meet my mother to get to know her if he could. He knew her condition was grave. So, we asked her if she’d like him to come to see her and said yes without any hesitation. She immediately perked up. And even though we weren’t sure if she’d actually have the strength, we arranged a visit for the next day.
The next day, however, we were shocked when mom sat up and wanted us to dress her in a housecoat, comb her hair, and make her presentable. Her excitement and enthusiasm took us all by surprise considering how frail she was. But she was eager to meet him.
The rabbi came and they visited. He asked about her life, her childhood and her children. She chatted nonstop, smiling and interacting with him. He stayed for quite a while, and she was alert and friendly the entire time. My daughter and I were amazed by her exuberance and her memory.
After the rabbi left, we changed mom’s clothes and made her comfortable. She talked a bit about how pleasant the rabbi was, had a small amount to eat and drink, and then she napped. When she woke up, we could see that she was drained. The rally was over and mom became extremely weak.
At that time she began to decline, and a lethargy overtook her. She began to have difficulty breathing and needed oxygen which was then ordered. After that, she stopped eating and drinking. We called the family the next day.
Everyone who lived nearby came to see her. Mom received a phone call from my niece who had just given birth to a daughter and wanted to share the good news with her grandmother. But my mother could barely respond. And from that point, it was a downward spiral. My daughter and I sat with her, held her hand, and talked to her. And while she was aware of us being with her, there was little to no response.
The night before mom passed, my daughter slept on the floor next to her bed and held her hand through the night. She didn’t want her grandmother to be alone. I sat nearby and the next morning my mother died peacefully in her own bed with family by her side.
A peaceful passing in her own bed, in her own surroundings, was our goal. And we were grateful to have given her that gift. Nor were we ever sorry for the choices we made. And we’ve never looked back, because we have lasting memories of a job well done. Hers and ours.
Was having mom move in with us worth it? I’ll let you be the judge. Our choice is not for everyone, but it was the right choice for us. In our case, the memories far outweigh the sacrifices that are a part of caring for an aging family member.
Make no mistake, when caretaking is over, there is a void. Grief comes in waves and it still does, almost thirty years later.
Mom passed away a little over a month before her 90th birthday which would have been on Christmas Day.
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About the author ~
Sandy Eigner is eighty going on fifty. She’s a mother, a grandmother, and a writer living out her retirement between Florida and Boston. She writes about her life experience raising a family and caring her for own mother as a single, working mom. She also writes about life as a snowbird, as a grandmother, and as an active senior who found love again later in life.